Who did Billy Mays play for?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
