she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
