M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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