I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
