bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
