Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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