I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize