I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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