It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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