I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
