i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize