My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
