I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
