It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
