my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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