just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
