dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Less talking, more tequila
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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