I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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