The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
