shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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