note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
