I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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