Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
