i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
