Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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