Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize