When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
