I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
