i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
