I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
