Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
