i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
