I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
