That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
