i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
