I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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