and i looked up. we had an audience...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
