I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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