No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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