Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
