I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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