at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
