just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
