I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
