I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
