Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
