I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
