he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize