Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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