Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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