You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize