Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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