I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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