dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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