Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize