I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
