I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
FUCK WHALES
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
